


Surfacing

by fineinthemorning



Series: Poems [4]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Torture, Unethical Experimentation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-08 21:18:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5513645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fineinthemorning/pseuds/fineinthemorning
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What would have happened had Kaneki met his tipping point earlier? What would have happened if Shirazu had sought help for him immediately? What would have happened had Hide seen the footage of just what had gone on that long week in Cochlea?<br/>This is a reimagined chapter of A Poem for Transition based on 'what ifs'- written to maximize hurt/comfort.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Surfacing

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kytyngurl2](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kytyngurl2/gifts).



> I'm so sorry, Kyt. You sounded like you wanted fluff and I fretted over it forever, because I just couldn't write any fluff, so I thought of hurt/comfort and I wrote out this long outline of this new story, but then I realized it would be impossible for me to finish it in time. OTL So, this is what happened. I hope you don't hate it for it being poems. OTL I'm sorry. Please enjoy.  
> Special thanks to optimustaud for being an amazing and thorough beta~!

“Hey-uh, Special Class Arima?” Rank 2 Shirazu Ginshi spoke to the reaper’s back to get his attention. They had both just come from the same meeting concerning Samurai. The other Quinx had gone downstairs to head back to the chateau, but he had made a quick excuse to stay behind.

Arima Kishou turned around, his head tilted in curiosity as his eyebrows moved slightly up his forehead and his lips parted, “Shirazu, what is it?”

Ginshi was aware that the reaper was always busy, but because this was important, and he figured it would be important to Arima personally, he spoke plainly concerning his intentions, “I need to talk to you. It’s about Sasa-First Class Sasaki.”

“Go ahead.” Arima’s typical expression fell over him, calm, collected, mysterious, and he nodded for the young investigator to continue.

But Shirazu was immediately uncomfortable when he realized there were at least fifty pairs of ears that could overhear their conversation due to the large room of cubicles they’d ended up in, “Maybe, could we go, like, som-“

Arima interrupted, not to be rude, but because it was possible that they’d already said too much in the presence of so many people he didn’t trust, “Understood. Join me in my office.”

Shirazu felt twice as uncomfortable in Arima’s office than  he had in the room full of people, but for quite different reasons.

“Please, have a seat.” Arima himself did not sit down which was a clear indication that, despite his expression, he was neither calm nor collected.

“I-I think he’s trying to kill himself.” Shirazu wasn’t the best with words, but the message was by no means lacking in clarity.

“What?” Still, Arima didn’t want to believe what he’d just heard.

“I mean- I think something happened to him. Since he’s come back from Cochlea, he’s been, well-He’s been hurting himself.” Ginshi looked at the floor. He was still in the process of convincing himself that this was for Sasaki. He was not following his mentor’s wish, sure, but it was in his best interest. What he was doing was wrong, and he needed help.

“How?”

“RC Suppressants. Quinque knives. He doesn’t talk to us anymore. He doesn’t act like himself. It’s like he’s just pushing us away, but I just- I know he cares-just- He must really- he must really-“ And it was too much for Ginshi to hold in. He felt tears begin to spill from his eyes. Was he betraying Sasaki? Would Sasaki forgive him for this?

Arima awkwardly stood beside him and put a hand on his shoulder. “Thank you for telling me. I’ll take care of this.”

Shirazu quickly wiped at his face, ashamed, “Please, he told me not to-“

Arima attempted to sound reassuring, but the truth was that there was no difference in his tone, “I’ll say I figured it out. Let me handle this.”  
Shirazu nodded; he didn’t really have much of a choice but to trust the reaper. He stood to leave, but, before he opened the office door, he turned around. His nervous eyes found their way to the reaper’s own, and he said softly, “There’s a weird scar on his left wrist. I couldn’t tell- _It didn’t make any sense._ ” Shirazu didn’t want to believe the implications of of what could only be described as _new skin_ on his mentor’s wrist and hand.

Arima solemnly nodded and repeated, “Let me handle this.”

 

xxxxx

“Haise- let’s spar.” Arima had called him to his office. Within seconds, the spar had begun, and Arima had successfully used his letter opener to cut through the fabric of Sasaki’s left sleeve. As soon as Arima ended the fight with the point of his letter opener at Sasaki’s jugular, the half ghoul surrendered, and Arima began his interrogation.

“What are these scars?”

To be precise, there was only one, but it went all the way around Haise’s forearm and the skin tones on either side of the blemish were clearly two different shades. Arima hoped this wasn’t what he thought it was. Shirazu’s expression earlier proved far more telling now that Arima could see the scar for himself.

Kaneki wasn’t stupid; he could tell, especially due to Arima’s movements, that his intentions were to get a look at his arm. Shirazu must have said something. He tried not to be angry, but he couldn’t help it. Shirazu wasn’t supposed to fucking tell.

Sasaki turned to leave, but Arima wouldn’t let him go, and he even went so far as to block his path to his only exit.

Haise looked at the floor. He was so tired. Exhausted, he just wanted everything to be over with. “Is it enough yet?”

Arima didn’t understand the question, but he had the feeling that he wasn’t supposed to.

Sasaki put his his right hand over his left wrist and still refused to look at his mentor, “How long do I have to live before it’s equal?” Hide had died to give him life, but it was a life he never wanted in the first place. Hide hadn’t known that he’d always been wishing for death. Kaneki hadn’t been honest with him. He’d had so many opportunities to prevent what had happened. He shouldn’t have ignored him. He should have made it known that he needed him. He-No, it wouldn’t have mattered. Even if Hide knew that he wished for death, he still would have offered himself to keep Kaneki alive. He still would have found him in the sewers and bared his shoulder. He still would have found it worth it- _the life of his best friend for his_.

Kaneki was trembling as he spoke, “Can the worth of a life be measured with time?”

“Haise?” The reaper took a step closer to the half ghoul, concern surfacing on his face. Something was certainly very wrong, but it was difficult to ascertain given the disjointed conversation Haise was attempting.

Kaneki looked up, his eyes empty and his face long, “Shirazu told you, didn’t he?”

“No, Haise.”

“It’s written all over your face, Arima-san.”

It wasn’t, really, but Haise was sure that was what had happened. “He told you I want to die.” There was a long pause, and then a smile slowly spread on his face like watching a feather fall; it held the quiet peace of a final request, “Would you kill me, Arima-san?”

“Haise.” He couldn’t be surprised, but what he did feel far more strongly was unmistakeable- pain. Sasaki’s words _hurt_. Haise was important to him, but apparently, to him, that didn’t matter? He only wanted death? He expected Arima to provide that for him?

The look in Arima’s eyes told Sasaki his chance was slipping away, so his words came out suddenly without restraint, “You did once before. _Can’t you, again?_ Reset? Send me back to sleep? My life with them was a beautiful dream, and I just want to-“

Arima’s words were sharp, “I’m not going to kill you, Haise.” It hurt. His body was fighting against him and forcing upon him some kind of pain in his chest. Never before were words he had spoken more true. _He’d never kill Haise._ He could _never_ , because Haise was-

“And what if you have to?” Kaneki’s kakugan surfaced, and his kagune cracked into view. He hadn’t used his kakuja. He wondered what it would look like since that doctor had forced him to cannibalize so much in a short period of time.

“Haise?” Arima straightened and quickly located his briefcase with his eyes before looking back to the half ghoul. He hadn’t expected Haise to come to this conclusion. What had happened in Cochlea had been the tipping point?

This was Arima’s fault, wasn’t it?

“What if you don’t have a choice?” Haise cracked a finger, and then a second one, letting his kagune whip behind him, “You have to do your job, right?” He was at a disadvantage in the small room, but that was okay. He didn’t need an advantage or an upper hand. He only had one goal in mind, and that required little effort on his part.

“ _Haise._ ” Arima was on him in a second, coming at him with the letter opener alone. He went for the half-ghoul’s eye, but stopped less than a centimeter away when he realized Sasaki _wasn’t even making the effort to dodge_.

“ _Enough of this, Haise._ ” He frowned, and his tone took on that of a father scolding a child.

“ _Just do it!_ ” Two rinkaku tentacles lashed out around the reaper, tearing a sleeve and scraping a leg but nothing more.

The reaper ducked, turned, and stabbed the blade suddenly into the back of Haise’s neck. The letter opener had been quinque steel all along. Kaneki gasped, surprised, and the reaper pressed it further and immediately the ghoul fell to the floor from spinal immobilization. Arima was on his knees quickly, his right hand on the small blade as he gently and very carefully removed it, blood pouring instantly from the lound in rivulets.

This wasn’t fair. He wouldn’t do it. He wouldn’t.

“ _Haise . . ._ ” The injury would have killed a human or at least paralyzed them for life. It could have killed a ghoul, but Haise was not a normal ghoul, and from the looks of it, his regeneration ability had improved even since the auction raid. What had happened at Cochlea? Arima had to find out.

 

xxxxx

 

The reaper made the long distance call from the phone in his apartment.

“Hideyoshi, he requested death.”

“Requested . . . it?”

“He wants to die. He is incredibly unstable. At this rate, I’ll have to kill him, Hideyoshi. You need to come back if you want him to live. Nothing is getting through to him.”

“O-Of course. I’m on my way.”

“I’ll sedate him until you arrive.”

“O-Okay. . . . Please don’t hurt him.”

“I do not intend to. That will be entirely his decision.”

 

xxxxx

At the door to Arima’s office, Hide turned to look at his shadow, “Just stay with my father. He’s expecting you.” He pleaded with his eyes for her to be cooperative, but it really wasn’t necessary.

He knew Anna didn’t like seeing him so _lost_. Since he’d received the phone call about 20 hours prior, it had been like he’d slowly been going blind. She gave him a nod, an awkward pat on the shoulder, and a sympathetic look before leaving to find Yoshitoki.

With that taken care of, Hide sucked air into his lunges to prepare himself and opened the door to Arima’s office. Upon seeing his best friend on the couch, he nearly dove towards it, swinging the door behind him shut with a bit of a slam, “K-kaneki!”

Arima blocked his path just before he managed to reach him, “Wait. Stop. He needs to wake up on his own.”

Hide’s eyes flashed between Arima and Kaneki. “He-” Had Arima grown more _human_ since he’d last seen him? His eyes were somehow more expressive. There was clear concern ready and alert inside them.

As if answering his question, the reaper squatted beside the couch and began to tend to the bit of drool coming from Sasaki’s mouth with a handkerchief, “He hasn’t woken up, but he should soon.”

“What happened? What changed?” Hide could have been more precise in his questions, but words were difficult as he bit back tears. He had been slowly crumbling over the last twenty hours, and it was nothing short of a miracle that he had actually made it here back to Kaneki’s side in once piece.

The reaper watched the disoriented and disheveled Washuu and attempted to understand the meanings behind the questions, “He was sent to Cochlea.”

“Again? Why?” Hide was immediately upset, but he was too panicked to reach _angry_ just yet. Arima was supposed to help protect Kaneki. Why hadn’t Arima shielded Haise from that terrible place?

“He stepped out of line. I had to prove to them it wouldn’t happen again.” Arima was looking at Haise as he spoke. His words were rather matter-of-fact, but his expression was still soft and very human; he felt some amount of regret from the looks of it.

Still, Hide’s hands clenched into fists as he watched the reaper move hair out of the half-ghoul’s face, “You’re saying something happened to him there?” His tone was accusatory. Even if he were in Cochlea, there were ways of protecting Kaneki. What the hell had happened?

Arima didn’t validate Hide’s accusation with a response, and simply offered, “I got the video files from his confinement, but I haven't watched them.”

“Why not?”

Finally, Arima looked at the brunette, “I _just_ got them. I don’t think it would be wise for you to-”

“Let me see them.” Hide wouldn’t accept ‘ _no_ ’ as an answer.

“Hideyoshi, if regaining his memories didn’t cause such a huge change in him, and this did, then I don’t think that-”

“Just let me see them, Arima.”

“Fine.” He was done arguing. If the Washuu believed he could handle the material, then that would be tested soon. After one last long look at Sasaki’s sleeping face, Arima stood and pulled a chair around his desk so the two could sit side by side to watch. Without a word, he began clicking through files to set up the video.

“Why are you watching them?”

“I’m the one who sent him there.”

 

xxxxx

 

On the computer screen, they watched the guard shackle and chain their prisoner to the steel chair with the needle poised and ready on the back side of it. When he plopped Kaneki like a doll into the chair, he was struck instantly with the needle and somehow fell even more limp, body twice as heavy and difficult to keep straight while the doctor adjusted the restraints.

Then, they watched while the doctor snipped away at Kaneki’s fingers. They observed the doctor as he watched the fingers grow back.

A half hour later, and saw how the doctor used a surgical saw to cut off the half-ghoul’s hands- first the left and then the right.

The left hand had just fallen when Kaneki had jerked awake, kakugan exposed and eyes wide with terror as the doctor pranced to the other side of the chair to begin sawing away at his right wrist.

The two watching the video feed didn’t respond verbally. There were no words for the horror they were witnessing.

It was when, a few minutes later as the doctor dressed the wounds, that they heard the madman speak, “Well, aren’t you going to scream?”

And that was when the screaming began.

“Much better.”

Hide felt himself go into a state of shock as the video continued, the screams ringing in his ears like a death knell stirring inside him a despair he’d only felt three times in his life.

He could barely hear the words that came from the computer’s speakers; he tried to block out the devil’s words that worked to taunt Kaneki further into madness. When the doctor left, a full minute went by of hearing only the faint sobs of the half-ghoul weeping before Arima fast-forwarded the tape.

“Stop.” Hide marveled at the sound of his own voice. He could still speak in this strange state of shock? “Go back.” From the video, it looked like Kaneki was thrashing even though no one was in the room.

Arima hit _play_.

“ **You really think that he’s alive- your most important person?”**

“He said his name.”

**“He also mentioned Yoshimura. And Yoshimura isn’t doing _anything_ for you now, right?”**

“But-but- how did he know Hide’s name anyway? Maybe Hide did something in the past? Maybe-”

**“But then that wouldn’t change the fact that he’s dead and you ate him- you ate him all up because you were _so_ hungry. You get _so hungry_ , don’t you _Kaneki-kun_? It’s okay. So do I. -and to eat is to live, so there is no sin in that.”**

“Shut up.”

**“Do you remember his taste?”**

“Shut up.”

**“Do you? Delicious. So good. Sweet. Like his _sick_ little _smile_ permeated through his blood into his taste- _so sweet_.”**

“Shut up! Shut up!”

**“Was his taste the same as cake? You’ve tasted cake. Do you remember, Kaneki-kun?”**

“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!”

Kaneki wasn’t just talking to himself; he was answering back.

The doctor re-entered and immediately began lamenting over the fact that his prisoner’s hands were still missing. But at the mention of chemical warfare, Hide managed to look away from the screen to examine the reaper.

When Hide’s eyes fell on his expression, he immediately regretted looking over. Reaper was too _kind_ of a label- as was executioner and assassin. All of those had gray areas; they murdered out of necessity. Arima Kishou did not look like a man who simply did what he must; currently, he looked ready to slaughter- to violently destroy someone and enjoy doing it. After the initial shock at the pure hatred written into the lines of his face, Hide looked back to the screen. Arima would kill this man if he didn’t get to him first.

It didn’t matter to Hide who killed the doctor so long as he perished.

On the screen, Kaneki was screaming again, thrashing in his seat . The angle of the camera prevented them from seeing exactly what was happening, but they didn’t really need to.   They could hear every detail in the the half-ghoul’s screams.

“Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! I’m on fire! Stop! Stop! It hurts! I’m being eaten! It hurts! Make it stop! Make it stop! I’m on fire! Please make it stop! 993 . . .986 . . .979 . . .”

And then, he fainted.

Hide didn’t move as the video played on. He was aware that there were tears falling from his face, to his hands that were fists on his knees, but he didn’t bother with wiping them. The doctor made adjustments, wrote some things on a clipboard, cleaned some blood here and there. They watched the video for several more minutes that felt like they’d been stretched out into days with a silence so thick that only death itself could compete with it. Kaneki wasn’t waking up.

There was a timestamp at the bottom right hand corner of the screen, but Hide hadn’t been watching it. He wasn’t sure how much time passed before he heard a soft moan from somewhere in the room. He leaned in closer to study the computer screen, but when he felt the reaper’s hand on his shoulder, he turned to look at the sleeping form of his dearest friend on the couch. He was waking up.

“Kaneki.” Hide moved quickly, and in one long stride, he was seated on the couch and holding his friend's right hand in both of his.

“Hide?” It was clear to Hide that, for Kaneki, merely opening his eyes was difficult like his eyelids themselves were weighed down by the RC suppressants currently swimming through his veins.

“I’m here.” Hide resisted the urge to bring Kaneki’s hand to his lips and kiss the other’s knuckles.

“I’m dead?” The peace that settled on his features as he let his eyes fall closed immediately brought tears to Hide’s eyes.

“Nah, buddy. You’re alive, and so am I.” he was smiling as his eyes became glassy with pain.

“Hide,” Kaneki kept his voice at a whisper as he reached his left hand up to caress the other’s cheek, his town sleeve falling away and revealing the scar on his arm as he did so. Everything was soft in death. The half ghoul tried to sit up, but his body was too heavy.

Hide immediately tried to relax him, “Whoa, don’t move so fast, you-”

“Hide?” Kaneki relaxed again, “Is this a dream?” If he wasn’t dead, that was the only fair assumption.

The brunette shook his head slowly and blinked back tears, “It’s not.”

Kaneki was still smiling gently, clearly happy with what he was determining was his reality, “It must be. Arima killed me. It’s because he cares for me. I wanted to die. _I didn’t want to exist in a world without you._ ”

Hide’s eyes went wide with shock, and he thanked the gods that Kaneki’s eyes had fallen closed again. After a long moment, he found his words again, “You-you won’t have to. You’re awake. I’m here with you in this world- the _real_ one. It’s okay now, Kaneki.”

The half-ghoul didn’t respond.

“Kaneki?” Hide felt his chest tighten.

Arima moved closer.

“What’s wrong with him?!” Hide nearly shouted at the reaper, throwing his anger and frustration at the man as if he were the source of all of it.

“It’s the suppressants. Calm down. Let’s put him in the clinic for now.” Arima gently felt around to the back of Haise’s neck to confirm that his injury had healed before lifting him off the couch to carry him, “It’s okay; I’ve got him.”

Hide felt panic rising up inside him once more, “He just passed out like that! Shouldn’t he-” Hide didn’t actually know. RC suppressants weren’t used here like they were in other countries, and Kaneki, he knew, was a special case.

“Calm down. He’s going to be fine.” With the tone Arima used, he may as well have said ‘ _behave’_.

Hide didn’t appreciate the tone coming from the reaper at all. He didn’t fear the man in the slightest. “Calm down? How can I possibly _trust_ you?! _You_ let this happen! _You_ sent him-”

“Hideyoshi.” Arima’s eyes held no threat. In fact, it was quite the opposite. He looked _helpless_.

Still, Hide wouldn’t take it back, but he knew that he held an equal amount of the responsibility. Even from six thousand miles away, he should have done something. He should have been there for Kaneki. He should have at least _tried_.

“I want him to be happy, too,” Arima whispered.

Hide didn’t say anything. If he opened his mouth, he would have regretted it, but he knew that anything he would say now would just be anger at himself that he was, quite unfairly, directing at Arima.

 

xxxxx

 

Hide found himself alone with Kaneki in the clinic on the ground floor of headquarters. Due to the line of work, it was well-sized to serve just the staff of the building. The CCG had its own hospital- similar to that of a military hospital- but this clinic was equipped to handle most emergencies and there was a pair of nurses on staff to handle any minor injuries. Unfortunately, with Sasaki being a half-ghoul, the only remedy to his suppressant overdose was _time_. A nurse led him to a small room with barely enough space for the  hospital bed and stool.   The nurse  left Hide with simple instructions. When the half-ghoul  woke up, Hide was to feed Kaneki something red and lumpy that was waiting in the small fridge in the main room. Simple. All Kaneki had to do was eat, and he’d be all better. In reality, Hide knew it wouldn’t be  that easy for his dearest friend.

Arima had gone back upstairs to finish reviewing the tapes. Hide didn’t need to see them. Given enough time, he could easily place himself inside Kaneki’s skin.

His _skin_.

“ . . . It’s been almost three years. Here we are again.” He stared at the person in the bed. One person. One single person. It was a wonderous thing that one single person could be another’s whole reason for living, breathing, walking the Earth- fighting and screaming and worrying and crying and-

“I heard your hair was growing back black. What happened, buddy? You tryin’ to become the next Arima Kishou? ‘ _Reaper_ ’ doesn’t fit you, you know?”

He remembered the video footage.

_‘But then that wouldn’t change the fact that he’s dead and you ate him-’_

Hide took a deep breath and when he tried to exhale, he could only suck in another, his heart quickening as he tried to hold himself together. Panic was closing in on him quickly and it made it harder to breath properly. He wasn’t perfect. He got scared. Of course he did. He’d never expected _those voices_. Kaneki was ill- seriously ill. It was one thing to have your hands cut off and them grow back but- He felt the tears fall shamelessly down his face. It was another to recognize the voices in your head as real- to be broken in your heart so deeply that even your brain could not repair it.

“God dammit, Kaneki, I’m so sorry.” Hide wiped at his own tears quickly, and his hands found their way to his the other’s right hand. Shaking, he unbuttoned the cuff and pulled the sleeve up. Sure enough, it was there- the same scar that had been visible on his right arm but higher up.

Hide leaned over, heaving, trying not to tremble at the sight as he placed himself inside his best friend.

He’d broken completely. He hadn’t felt like this since he’d thought Kaneki would be killed. It was almost like he had. Almost.

The brunette took his left hand and brushed his fingers tenderly up the half-ghoul’s right arm. He then laced the fingers on his right hand through Kaneki’s own, gently curling around them as he leaned his head forward and placed a gentle kiss to the scar.

“Kaneki,” he breathed his name on his skin. His nose brushed the warmth of the half-ghoul’s forearm and he inhaled what little of his scent he could summon. Hide’s body stopped trembling. He kissed Kaneki’s scar again. He found his breath. A third kiss. The tears slowed.

Hide lifted his head when he realized the weight that had been lifted.

The brunette stared at his raison de etre and froze, catching the breath in his lungs. Complete _silence_. It hadn’t been deemed necessary to hook Sasaki up to a heart monitor or anything. There was no one else in the clinic. From where he was sitting, in that tiny room with the hospital bed and the stool, Hide could hear nothing but his own relief and the other’s steady breathing.

A chill ran through him and he let everything fall away.

He remembered to breathe.

“I love you, Kaneki,” it was only a whisper and from sound alone the words could be described as feather-light, but the true weight of them, the true _meaning_ of them, was enough to send Hide floating as the words escaped his lips.

His eyes fell back to the scars. From here, he could see the other sleeve, torn open likely from a fight with Arima from what Hide could gather. The other scar was visible from where he sat. Hide traced the scar with his eyes, sucking air through his teeth as his eyes flew suddenly to his own left arm.

To lose a hand- how painful would that be?

_‘Stop! Stop! It hurts! I’m being eaten! It hurts! Make it stop! Make it stop! I’m on fire! Please make it stop!’_

Tears were falling again as goosebumps rose on the brunette’s skin.

“Kaneki.”

Hide floated to the other side of the bed and repeated the same action. Hide sank inside the tragedy Kaneki had survived by entwining their fingers, baring the mismatched skin, and  kissing the soft blemish that marked a border between old and new.

“All this time, I thought I was protecting you.” Hide spoke words into his skin.

He lifted his head again to see that Kaneki was still sound asleep. He turned his head to look at the other’s bare feet.

“Kaneki.”

Hide floated over to the foot of the bed and stared for a long time as though he needed to take time to sober himself up before confirming his suspicion.

“I thought I could protect you.” Keeping his eyes on his friend’s legs, he gently touched the right pant leg. His fingers ghosted the fabric as they traveled to the hem line, “From this. I thought that if you couldn’t live in this world without needing protection . . .” his hands slipped beneath the hemline and his palms immediately went flat to press into warm skin. As he moved his hands upward, the pant leg moved with them and slowly, another blemish appeared signaling the border between what had always been and what had happened in Cochlea. Hide bit back a sob as he felt new tears build behind his eyes with a sickening tension, “Then I could just create a new one.”

He let go and moved his trembling hands to Kaneki’s right leg to repeat the action. “A world where you cannot find happiness shouldn’t exist at all.”

Hide moved the pant leg up and upon seeing that the doctor had not just removed both of his friend’s hands, but both of his feet as well, Hide’s tears fell freely into the sheets of the hospital bed and onto the still warm skin of the half-ghoul. “I’m sorry, Kaneki. I’m so sorry.” He leaned forward and kissed the blemish-once-twice- “I should have been here. I should have changed the world around you _first_.”

“I love you, Kaneki, and I’m so sorry I-”

“Hide?”

The brunette’s head shot up to see Kaneki looking back at him with wide, disbelieveing eyes.

The half ghoul was staring, eyes glassy with unshed tears. His mouth hung open, but it was impossible to tell if it was from surprise or because he was trying to speak. He kept sucking in air through his mouth, shallowly shaking his head from side to side as the tears refused to fall. He couldn’t form words. He couldn’t form words. He couldn’t form words.

“ _Hide._ ” he emptied his lungs in a rush of air. This was real.

Hide stared back in shock all over again. Kaneki was here and he was alive and how much had he heard and-

“Hi-de-” and once the tears began, they fell in a torrent as though Kaneki were attempting to drown himself in them.

Hide was beside him in a second, crawling easily into the hospital bed to be as close to his oldest friend as possible, to comfort him.

“It’s okay now, Kaneki. It’s okay,” and he held nothing back. Hide wrapped his arms around him in an embrace, pulled him into a sitting position where the half-ghoul could relax against his chest, and began to kiss away at his tears.

Kaneki’s cheeks began to glow a shade darker in confusion, “Hide-Hide- you’re-” He loved this feeling, but he had never expected it. It was like coming home to a place he had always known the way to, but had never dared to travel to. 

“In love with you, Kaneki Ken. I love you.” The words were easy so long as he was under the assumption that Kaneki already knew.

Kaneki’s eyes were wide, and when Hide kissed his lips, they remained opened in surprise.

Hide pulled away and smiled earnestly and then burst into laughter at Kaneki’s frozen expression.

The half ghoul let his tears fall freely. In love with him? Of course. Of course. Him too- Any kind of love, it really didn't matter, he felt it for Hide. 

" _Hide._ "

The half ghoul realized that this was reality; this was his new reality, and it was indeed that- _laughable_. Kaneki burst into laughter himself, and they both continued to cry as they laughed, held one another, and convinced the other that this was real, this was happening, and from now on, things would be better.

  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
